THE GUSSIAN GOLD (Satire)

(Satirisk Eventyr) I guess most of my readers have now for some time been fully aware that we earthlings at this point of time are all living in the shadowy world of the dead (also called ‘The Underworld’, ‘The Deep State’ or ‘The Netherworlds’).

After all it was widely, almost universally publicized roughly half a dozen years ago that the earthly world, as we knew it, after having for a few centuries slice by slice gone bunkers, was finally totally destroyed on Dec.22, 2012, as it had in fact been accurately foretold by the Mayan priesthood.

Hence everyone are now ‘living’ in the netherworlds, the world of the dead.

But many well informed people of course also know that conditions and circumstances in many ways are almost as real in the shadowy world of the dead as before our global annihilation.

Clearly that’s basically why we have been able to recently report from some of the top-leaders in our new underworld. But of course the old world-leaders’ generally high esteem for some of this writers major reportings has obviously contributed to making everything happen more smoothly.

Recently the new underworld deep down below the former Danish capital enjoyed a rare visit by the flamboyant – in a shadowy, rather dead way of course – Atlantica prime minister Dr. Julia.

Reportedly Dr. Julia wanted to especially secure the full cooperation and support for her and her associates’ political missions from the respected leader of the Danish netherworlds, Dr. Cluck, who personally picked up Dr. Julia deep down under the old Copenhagen airport.

‘Hello Dr. Cluck, it’s me, Julia, you do remember me, don’t you?

‘But certainly Dr. Julia, how could I ever forget you? You always looked like a million dollars, something that’s constantly on my mind. Tell me, what can I do for you? The trip was all right, I hope?

‘Yes, thanks, we enjoyed the trip a lot. Only we had a minor problem finding your fine little city on our cards over the netherworlds. Luckily, just in time someone happened to glance out through the windows and thus saw a small collection of houses and all, and hence we suspected your great underworld capital city would be just about right beneath us somewhere. And well – here I am.

‘Wonderful, I’m so glad you are here. We need to try and find something to amuse ourselves with the next day or so. Do you like playing cards, patience or something? Did you perchance bring your own deck of cards? You wouldn’t happen to go for a game of chess, would you?

‘Oh, I’m so glad for your positive approach to the art of neighbourliness, Dr. Cluck. But let me assure you I never play chess, which I find absolutely childish. But I always bring my own deck of cards to play patience or else my black Taroc cards. Would you like me to predict your future from my Taroc cards? I’ill do it for free, absolutely!

‘Sure, sounds great to me. I always wanted to have my future divined, on account I feel – well, I dare say I almost know – that I have a great, great future. But ofcourse it would be nice to REALLY know! Listen, as soon as we arrive at my office we’ill take a few hours off and amuse ourselves?

‘I’m so happy, Cluck. Let’s hurry, I love divining with my Taroc cards. And I always felt you definitely have an interesting, promising future.

‘Thanks a lot, Julia. I appreciate that. You know I try to behave like any other ordinary underworld human zombie, but of course it’s often quite hard to conceal how very special I am, how grand a future I have.

But I notice we’re already there. Please follow me to the escalator, in this way we may arrive at my private rooms quite unhassled. So – now we’re here. You may lay out your Taroc cards on this little table over there, if you please. I’ill order some tea for you, and cookies.

‘Thank you, Cluck, sounds good. But won’t you join me for tea and cookies?

‘No, no, no, I never take tea. I think, though, that perhaps I had better order a few bottles of wine. I suddenly remember we were yesterday sponsored with a half dozen cases of really nice red wine from one of my many admirers. I always felt it’s important to be accessible to all citizens and sponsors, not just the rich, you know!

Here is tea and wine, now. But have you laid out the Taroc cards, Julia? Please tell me, what’s the good message.

‘Yes, dear, the cards are all laid. And I dare say there’s great news for you, Cluck! You want me to read it out for you right away?

‘Oh, but certainly, I can hardly wait to hear the sweet words directly from you and the gods of the shadows.

‘Yes, of course. Here you are, then. You see these 3 key cards here. The first is called the King, the second over there the Queen and the third down here the Sword. Naturally you want to know what these 3 important cards mean in the positions indicated, and I’m certainly only too glad to tell you.

I’m so glad we’re here, you and me together. But you have to trust me now, because I have important things to tell you. So listen carefully, please.

‘Sure, go right ahead Julia, and hurry please!

‘All right. But you have to trust me, Cluck! I’m here to help you, read my lips!

‘But certainly I trust you, Julia, I always did, I would follow you to the end of the underworld, you ought to know that. After all that’s what I’m here for!

‘Yes, right. But now I have some important things to announce to you from my black magick cards of destiny.

Firstly, the King card personifies you. You are thus, potentially, the King of things and situations!

Now comes the Queen card. This card symbolizes myself. Obviously I’m your Queen – in a somewhat metaphorical way, of course. But what it means is you have to heed and comply with the advice and wishes of the Queen. I guess you understand that clearly?

After all we are now living in a modern, progesssive underworld where women are equal to and in fact often the leaders of all the other dead shadows. I’m sure you understand that? You ought to, otherwise I can hardly help you.

‘But of course, Julia, dear. But what about that 3rd card, the Sword, what does this card symbolize?

‘As a matter of fact the 3rd card is very, very important. Because, after all, both you and I have long known we are in a way already King and Queen whereever we are among our kinfolks, the elites in the world of the dead.

But – and this is very important, so please listen carefully: the 3rd card, the Sword, tells us unmistakeably how you must behave to secure your wonderful future as King among the zombie elite: You have to live by the sword!

Now, this is of course just generally speaking. Because we have to interpret the additional seven Taroc cards in order to decipher and read this key card in relation to actual underworld politics.

And it thus transpires, that what is meant is basically this: You have to support me and my zombie friends in every possible way in our mission to make the world of the dead more just end righteous! Which of course can be done only by the sword!

I need to eventually lay this out in more detail, of course. But you have to trust me, Cluck, mark my words! So here come the important details and remember I’m here to help you – read my lips!

‘But of course, Julia, dear. I understand all that, go on please.

‘All right. What you have to do urgently and obligatory is this.

Firstly and most important, you have to support me and my zombie friends and associates in all our endeavours to strafe these monsters over there in the Gussian world of the dead. I hate them, they are so evil. They won’t even give us our due respect as the masters of the underworld, who are doing gods work. Can you imagine that? The pricks!

But what’s much, much worse is they won’t give us our gold! I almost can’t believe this, but that’s how it is: they won’t give us our gold! The monsters! The gold that we have a historical claim on, and which god has promised us, because it’s ours!

I know you have studied history a lot and hence know, I’m sure, that about 100 years ago his excellency mr. Gasputin and the Emperor of Gussia gave us all the gold of the Gussian empire. To have practically as our own, or almost. Worth hundred of billions in todays value!

Most everyone that know history are aware of all this of course. But it now transpires these Gussian traitors didn’t give us ALL their gold, but hid some of it for their own uses. The monsters!

That’s why we have to strafe these traitors and hit their houses and their cities and their armies and their friends and all in their squalid netherworlds. Justice has to be done. If justice is not done, the underworld will descend into anarchy and chaos!

Remember my dear Cluck, my friend, we’re doing gods work and hence we have a god given right to all this gold these Gussian pricks have concealed from our righteous claims. I almost can’t belive this is happening, but it is.

But I can assure you we shall strafe these monsters and teach them a lesson they wont forget so soon. Do you understand?

‘Yes, yes, dear Julia, perfectly, I know, gods work, certainly. You can count on me! But what’s in it for me – that is, I mean, what can I do right now to help you and your deep state zombie associates?

‘I’m glad you asked that question, Cluck, dear. Of course you want to know, and I shall now delineate it for you in more detail.

I suppose You wonder about all these other Taroc cards laid out here on my black magick cloth, dear Cluck. And I can assure You these additional seven cards are all very important, and also extremely auspicious of course.

So what my intuition told me already before laying out the cards has once again proven absolutely reliable: Your future, Dr.Cluck, dear, here in our new underworld among the dead zombies is definitely extremely promising.

Now you will clearly ask how come I can tell this with absolute certainty just from my magick Taroc card as they are laid out here for you.

However I have to say, I cannot reveal in minute detail why those other seven cards are so wonderfully auspicious. You see, you have to be an initiate into the art of black Taroc card magick to be allowed to have all these occult forces revealed to you.

But that of course should be no problem, as I already know you trust my absolute sincerety and honesty without reservation. Isn’t that right, dear Cluck?

‘But of course, Julia, dear, please go on. But hurry, as I have to soon order a few more bottles of wine. And won’t you have another cookie, dear?

‘Oh, thank you so much, that’s very considerate of you, Cluck. I’ill take just one more cookie, but I certainly have to watch my figure, you know.

Now, let me be entirely frank with you, Cluck, dear. It’s not necessarily very easy to qualify for a permanent top job as King among equals in the underworld elite of zombies.

Because one has to meet certain, rather stringent standards. By which I mean one has to perform certain, perhaps even somewhat delicate tasks to the absolute satisfaction of our common supreme masters – the Emperor of the zombies and his entourage – down here in the shadowy world of the dead.

But of course I have already learned that you are basically absolutely willing to help me and my zombie masters to recuperate all that gold the Gussian monsters have stolen from us.

Now, then, I shall specify in somewhat more detail what is further expected from you, which of course is what all these magick Taroc cards are channelling to me almost directly from the gods of the dead.

Firstly there’s the question of the black gold. By this of course is meant the black gold of the Gussian underworld monsters.

Obviously they think they can steal our black gold also. Isn’t that schocking? Imagine, they first steal nearly all of our real gold and then they have the insolence to think they can get away with stealing our black gold also? Can you imagine that? The villains.

But according to what my magick Taroc cards say, that’s where you come into the picture, Cluck, dear: You have to try and disrupt their plans for the so called GussianOil.2 pipeline going from the wretched Gussian underworld to the Neuropean netherworlds.

Perhaps you cannot entirely hinder that pipeline, though, but at least and as a very minimum you have to obstruct and disrupt it as much and as long as at all possible!

Now, let me assure you the underworld zombie elite is very much aware of the great work you have sucessfully discharged during several years by disrupting the pathetic little country of which you are now the head of state – the Danish netherworld of dead zombies.

For instance you have successfully disrupted the regional democracy of your ridiculous little state, which is very important for me and my zombie overlords as this means your rich underworld countryside is becoming almost emptied of the parasitic Danish zombies.

This means the danish zombies are soon to be replaced by parasitic alien zombies, which makes everything much more chaotic and disruptive.

I suspect you are fully aware how important it is to disrupt and create chaos everywhere in the Neuropean netherworlds and especially in the rich countryside and the farm industry in your underworld?

The reason for this of course is that some of the most important billionaire deep state dead zombies, both in the TallyStreet underworld, the Donlon City netherworld and Mr. Sunk and Mr. Natter in the Free-States’ and the Levantine underworlds all want to acquire these assets as their private, personal property and possessions.

It’s especially the rich, lush countryside and its wonderful weather system you have so successfully developed – perhaps right now the worlds most salutary weather system here in our global new netherworlds of the dead – that these honourable billionaire zombie Lords of ours want as their own.

Of course you can hardly blame these dead zombie gentlemen for wanting to eventually own what is after all just their god given right! You do agree, don’t you, Cluck, dear?

‘Oh but certainly, dear Julia. But please go on, I almost can’t wait to hear more about when I will be King of the dead in my own underworld. It will be soon, won’t it?

And by the way I want it please to be understood that I really expect a somewhat more propitious remuneration than was given to my predecessor, Dr. Hollow, who was only made Queen of Save the Zombie Quids. Of course zombie quids are nice and important, but still I should certainly hope for a bit more than that, shouldn’t I?

‘Please, dr. Cluck, my friend, be patient. Of course you will get quite a bit more! After all you have created a lot more disruption and chaos in your pathetic little zombie state than your predecessors – even if we know they certainly tried hard enough!

But before we return to the big question of the stolen black gold I would like to touch upon the issue of the Ministry of Disruption, a ministry you promised me last that you would create urgently.

Have you created this important ministry by now, dear Cluck? The reason why I’m asking is I don’t seem to notice a ‘Ministry of Disruption’ in the list of government ministries as provided by you.

‘But of course, Julia, dear. The Ministry of Disruption has certainly already been successfully instituted in our government. And I think I can state with confidence that we have picked the most cleverly devious and reckless woman in our government as its head.

Only – and of course that’s why you missed this ministry in our list – we have resolved, until further notice, to not name it ‘Ministry of Disruption’ but something else entirely. I certainly hope you appreciate how clever that is, – I mean by deceiving the dead zombie citizens so as to keep calm in our netherworld?

But I also want to point out, that this ministry’s task force for creating chaos and disruption among the dead has been faithfully named ‘Disruption Task Force’.

And I should like to impart just one specimen of the mind set of this important task force, namely a very clever mantra invented by a certain high profile member of the task force: ‘Burn everything down every seven years!’

That’s both creative and progressive, don’t you think? Certainly I can hardly begin to tell you how happy I am to have zombies like that in my underworld government.

‘But of course, Cluck, dear. How clever that is. This is certainly a load off of my chest. I would like to already now tentatively congratulate you with how progressive everything is in your deep state zombie government!

Now we have to return to the issue of our stolen black gold. We all know how Mr. Hussi and Mr. Assa time and again tried to steal our black gold. And likewise we have all heard about their seriously bad luck!

But the wretched Gussians zombies and their devious Giranian friends have obviously until now neither learned to fear nor sufficiently experienced the wrath of our gods of the underworld, but proceed with impudence in their vile cabals to illegally hide our black gold from us!

But of course we shall take our black gold back and punish these zombie villains in the process! I think you may safely rely on that, dear Cluck.

‘Of course, Julia, dear. But precisely what am I expected to do now to oblige the Emperor of the Zombies? By the way, who is Emperor right now? Could you possibly give me just a few hints as to the whereabout and identity of the Emperor and his splendid Court of Zombies?

‘Oh, no, no, no. Please dont be silly, dear Cluck. Identity and whereabout of the Emperor and his Imperial Court is of course extremely secret. In fact so secret, that not even I – although being a full Queen of the Dead for all of the Atlantica netherworlds – have been imparted with these facts.

The thing is, you have to be at least an Arch-Duke or even an Arch-Prince to be initiated into that kind of deep occult knowledge. Hence I can only tell you, that the Emperor is very, very rich and mighty and that he normally is designated just ‘ET of Z’. Of course that’s just short for Emperor of The Zombies or perhaps Emperor of The Zombieworlds.

Furthermore that his court is large and rich and that his closest entourage is made up of twelve Arch-Magicians, called Sappos.

These Sappos are of course all accomplished Black Magicians of the Dead and are invested with the task of maintaining discipline among the courtiers and the entire zombie population in the netherworlds. I’m told they just Zap, Zap, Zap anyone that’s getting out of line.

The first Zap may mean disability for the wretched target. The second Zap may mean insanity for the miserable. But the third Zap often means certain death and extermination from the world of the Zombies! How awful that would be!

Incidentally it’s almost certainly also these Arch-Magicians that – by the agency of my magick Taroc cards as laid out here on the black cloth – through their accomplished black magick impart the will of the Emperor and the gods of the shadows unto me.

Do you understand all that clearly, dear Cluck?

‘But certainly, Julia, dear. And I dare say I’m rather impressed by the power and riches of the Imperial Magick Court of the Zombies.

But specifically, what is it your black magick Taroc cards actually convey unto you from the ET of Z – about all that stolen black gold. I mean, what is it I’m supposed to do next for you and your dead zombie associates, please?

‘Yes, our course, Cluck, dear – you want to know. Now listen closely:

It has pleased his Hollyness, the ET of Z, to impart unto me by venue of my magick Taroc cards, that the Imperial Court expect you to travel down to Gothica and talk to that reprehensible Uber-Witch of the Gothic Zombies, Dr. Schnorrkel. And demand on behalf of the Emperor that she disrupt the GussianOil.2 pipeline as completely as at all possible.

Do you think you can do that, Cluck, dear?

‘But of course, I already know Dr. Schnorrkel and I think I can fix her no problem!

‘Oh, that would be just great, dear Cluck. You see, I hate this sorry Uber-Witch of the Gothics so much I would rather not talk to her at all.

But mind you, rumours has it she is a 3rd generation Uber-Witch of the Polish Black-Wood Zombies. Can you imagine that? The prick!

And please also take care to have her promise to sanction the Gussian monsters in every way possible. This may, by the way, be particularly valuable for yourself in your endeavours to disrupt your pathetic little zombie deep state to the utmost.

You understand – you may mortally weaken the agri sector and hence the whole countryside of both your underworld and all of the Neuropean netherworlds. And thus make it possible for the Emperor and his dead zombie associates to secure their rightful ownership of the entire, lush countryside of your pathetic little zombie state on the cheap. After all, it IS the Emperor’s rightful property, don’t you agree?

‘But certainly, Julia, dear. I shall definitely do the best I can. Trust me – read my lips!

‘Of course, dear Cluck. I know I can trust you.

Very well, Dr. Cluck, I think this just about winds up our talk today. And please accept my sincere assurances of how great a pleasure it’s been to again work with you here in your fine little Ducal court of the dead.

Personally I feel you may definitely very soon expect to be named King of the Zombies here in your small capital city of the shadows.

But until then I wish you the best of luck with all your important missions of disruption!

‘Thank you so much, dear Dr. Julia. It was as always a great pleasure to be with you and especially to have you divine my great, important future. I wish you a very nice trip back to the Atlantica netherworlds.’

END OF SATIRE.

10.April/30.May.2018/rev.06.Feb.2019 – crossposted on http://www.gamleboeger.dk and blocnotesimma.wordpress.com.

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